As I sit back on the day before my surgery for the cochlear
implant, tears come to my eyes. Both
tears of joy and sadness. I am overjoyed and filled with so much excitement that is it bubbling over right now. It is hard to believe that it is coming and the reality that I am getting my first CI is hitting me and there have been NO problems with the insurance. WHOO. Yes it will be frustrating at times I am sure
but worth it and READY, SO READY!!!
The other set of tears comes
from not having my mom with me on this day.
I so wish that she could be her and know that she is so proud of me. As
hard as this is and really hitting me today, I know that she is my angel right
by my side and cheering me on in heaven the same that she would be if she were
here with me.
As I reflect back to the day that the news was confirmed that I had a hearing loss the first thing that stuck me was fear and a load of questions that remained unanswered. This fear lead also to a lot of anxiety in myself. All this fear, anxiety, questions and uncertainity, scared me. Yes I admit I wanted to hide and not anyone know. As my hearing continued to drop and very quickly I look back it has been 18 months since I was diagnosed and in that period hearing aids have not been very affective for me and now getting the opportunity for the cochlear implant. I relate this 18 months as to my mom, that was her time frame with her battle with cancer. With my hearing dropping so fast, yes scary as it has been for me, letting go of wanted to hide it and open up in sharing about it has helped me more to accept it. Yes it is a disability but I often look at it as not about what I cannot do or hear, rather what I CAN do. I am learning that I am accepted in anyway and you cannot judge a person from the outside or the things that they are not capable of doing. Yes there are a lot of sounds and conversations that I cannot hear or follow and things I do need help with, but each little sound big or small I take for granted even though it is not much. God is sustaining me through this trial and I have been so eager in how he has been faithful to me and working in my life. Yes there still are fears, questions, times of uncertainity and anxious feelings with this all, but I am learning to lean on him and continuing to trust that he will lead me through.
By this time tomorrow I will be having my surgery
We are heading down tonight with my dad and friend, as well as my sister and my niece and nephew. I have to arrive at the hospital at 11:30 and my surgery is at 1:30.
The song "By Faith" has been encouraging me today as I put my trust in God (2 Corithians 5:7) "we live by faith and not by sight"
Psalm 121 also is encouraging me as I reflect on the passage
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