Remembering Mom

Wow, I can't believe it that it has been 7 months since my mom went home to be with Jesus.  She is free of cancer and dancing with Jesus.  But yes I am really missing her right now as I am recovering and still struggling with ongoing vertigo episodes.  I know she is in my heart but it is not the same as her presently being here.
Right now I am learning patience as I am yes have to admit getting restless being at home a lot and not being able to do what I want to do.  I met with my allergist today and was quite interesting trying to communicate as I have noticed my left ear decrease from the last episode.  Glad to have someone with me to help. All this changing of weather is affecting me and the high pollen counts.  Since I am doing okay and not reacting to the allergy shots, we are going to continue them and praying that helps with my allergy symptoms.  Generally it takes 5 years of injections, I am only like 3 months passed a year so have some time to go.  The goal is not having to be on any medications for allergies with doing the shots.  This is the 3rd time I have tried them and so far doing better than the past, I had a serious reaction the one time and had to stop.  The allergies do have connection with the menieres (vertigo) episodes. 
I still tire very easy and regaining my balance slowly.  I may have to add in therapy right now to help.  As I reflect on this journey, yes it is a long one, God is teaching me a lot of patience today and helping me to be reassured that he is in control. 
Two verses that stick out to me and encourage me today are
Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (this was one verse that my mom loved through her treatment and one that is always an encouragement to me and reminds me that he has a far greater plan for me in life that I may not see right now)
Isaiah 40:39 "but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." (this verse gives me courage and reminds me to be patient and put my trust in him as I am growing restless waiting for my turn on date and with this journey that I am on with my hearing loss and vertigo)
As I remember my mom today and always I am reminded of her determination and perservance that she had in life, as well as her passsion for Christ.  She never gave up and let her cancer tie her down.  She left that with me and will always be an inspiration in my life. She left a big impact on my life, one I will never let go of.  We all miss you mom.
18 days til turn on and my world gets Noisy :)

Rough Patches

It has been quite a week for me with some ongoing vertigo happening.  I feel mainly it is coming from my left ear which is not the one that was implanted.  My right ear I have still the dizziness from the surgery and not sure if 1 attack was in that ear.  This week it was certainly the left as my hearing decreased again :(.  I was so grateful for the help that people stepped in to help me through it and the afterward feeling, trying to get my stomach to settle from it.  There are rough patches in this recovery from this type of surgery.  The most affected right now is my balance and the dizziness. My spirits remain high, but with this last episode the one thing that I wanted most was my mom and was quite upset.  Even though it was rough, I know things will improve and need to allow myself to rest.  I guess I got to have people sit on me sometimes as it is hard for me wanting to run, but I know my body cannot take it right now and I will be back to running, biking soon.  I am making strides in taking short walks but get exhausted still very easily.  Since it has been very nice out, I have taken a lawnchair outside and rest outside for a change.  This journey has not been easy, but not giving up and determined every step of the way and know that God is right with me each moment.  Thanks for all your prayers and support through this time.

2 weeks Post- OP

I have reached the 2 week mark of post -op.  Doing well with making progress but some set backs, which they say is normal.  I will have some good days and not to good days.  But staying positive through each day and remind myself not to feel like a let down on the hard days.  Yesterday and today have been rough with dizziness and a spinning episode in the non implanted ear but creates pressure and pain in the implanted ear for me.  I have gone back to sleeping in the recliner b/c it is more comfortable and seem to get better rest than my bed right now, but will try the bed here and there. 
I am amazed with staying positive through this recovery and know that it is through all your prayers and support.  I am making strives even through the rough days and using a cane to walk around or holding onto someone for support.  They encourage and allow me to do light walking right now and that is good to retrain my brain with the balance.  Yesterday I manage with the support from a a friend to walk 1/2 mile.   Felt SO good, but yes I tire easy.  I still take naps and rests through the day but about 4-5 in the early evening I am worn out.  Setting goals for myself and know that the allergies are impacting me which I hear is normal.  My hair is starting to regrow back slowly, I still need to keep the hair away from the incision area.  From the front you can't notice it but the back you can.  I feel good about the progress I am making and thank everyone for the continue support and prayers.  God is certainly working in my life right now through this and helping me to remain positive but I have to say I do get frustrated with the limitations I have and i know it is temporary. I am finding different ways of managing aorund the house in the restrictions of no quick head turns or bending or washing dishes.  Using paper products right now but feel that I am wasting a tree.  Again it is only for now.  But there are simple things that I would not think that other suggest and that is helpful.  many people have asked the question already if I would consider doing the other ear and I would say "yes" even though I have not been activated I would go through with it again.  The song that keeps encouraging me is "I'm Hungry"  as I continue to know that I need Jesus through this time. 
I have about 3 weeks til activation and looking forward to that.  :) 

Day of visitors and Sunshine

Today was a full day with many visitors and surprises.  Thanks to everyone who came and brought something special.  It made my day.  I spent quite a bit of time out in the sun and reading.  I am progressing as expected and the continued up and down dizziness is expected from time to time.  I have contacted my doctor and it is okay and good for me to do some light walking which will help me to regain more my balance and strength. Nothing strenguous though.  I am just being cautious with the allergies as pollen counts are high and that does affect the menieres.  I continue to be in good spirits, but yes there are frustrating times.  I continue to ask for prayer that this does help the menieres and doing the light walking will help my balance more, just using a cane or support of someone.  this is one thing I have been itching to do.  I did take several laps around my apartment building today with the cane. 
I am amazed how much the incision is healing up and my hair is growing back.  I think I will just let it grow back rather than cut it. Activation will be three weeks from Friday and longing for that date and appointment with doctor.  It will give me  a better picture of returning to work.  I will be meeting with my OVR counselor again the end of April (it is an organization that helps people work with disabilities).
In the meantime I am enjoying reading and spending more time writing and journaling and praying through this time.  I am feeling strengthened and encouraged by many people from church and family. Any little thing, I much appreciate.  So Thank-You.   It makes a difference. I am grateful for the little hearing left in my left ear even though it is fading too, but I am learning to communicate in different ways but appreciate the little sounds that I do hear.  I am realizing that it is something that we take for granted in life.  I never imagined that I would lose my hearing, but I remain in trusting God that he has a plan for me through all of this.  He is greater than I can imagine.
Thanks again for the support and prayers.  Attached is a pictures of yellow croucous's from the mountain house.  They open and close as I am reminded of how God created them, and even though my hearing may be fading, a new chapter of hearing is going to open up :)

Change of scenery Thanks to Dad

This weekend I got out of the house, which was nice and to our mountain house. Although I was not able to do the normal hiking and active things, we had a great time and rode on the 4 wheeler making sure I made no quick head turns and got to visit mom's memorial spot. We saw some signs of spring with crocous blooming and shoots of the mountain flowers coming up at mom's memorial. And yes it got to be 80 up there. Next time it is kayaking time. :)  I am able to get around with the support of a person or using a cane. I have to admit I am getting quite ansty, wishing I could go for a long run in this beautiful weather and do my normal things. As I unpacked I bent over and yes have to be very careful.  But I am learning that I need to be patience and take it slow.  I hope by next week to try some short distance walks with people and having support.  Any takers? They encourage a little to help me to regain my balance back.
I still wear out quickly, but all that I am feeling with the woozies (dizziness) is normal and sometimes worse than others.  I did have a vertigo episode last week, so still watching that.  My incision is healing and my hair is starting to grow back making it feel fuzzy.  I am still deciding if I want to cut it short and let it all grow back to it normal or wait for it to grow back by itself. 
I am learning a lot of patience through this, even though there are periods that I am getting frustrated.  It is hard for an active person like me to be sitting and resting, but reading and watching movies and taking a lot of time to spend with God is passing time through and encouraging me through times of struggles.  Wednesday will be two weeks and about three weeks until my turn on date.  I am looking forward to hearing nature sounds and voices.  I know it will take time and patience but determined and ready. 
As I am getting antsy and restless the song "I am Hungry" comes to my mind, as I rest on him in needing his strength day by day. 

One week, One day post-op

Well it has been one week since I returned home from John Hopkins and had my CI surgery.  I am doing well and getting around with the support of a cane.  I started with a walker but have progressed to a cane.  I am trying to lessen the pain medication and continue to use ice.  My incision is looking good and my friend and I got creative with drawing smilies around my implanted ear.   It tells how I am grateful for this opportunity. It has been getting itchy and want to scatch but that is a "no no." Today has been a rougher day with balance and vertigo but taking it easy but practicing doing slow motions with my head.
I have been blessed to have someone visit each day to see me and tonight my sister is coming from MD with the kids to see me.  This has been encouraging and helping me keep my spirits high.  I am eager to get back into running and biking and have enjoyed the beautiful weather.  I even took a nap outside on Tuesday soaking the sun up. 
Yesterday and last night I was just encouraged but the people who visited me and having a worship night here at my place.  People bringing it to me.  It meant so much.  Even though I can't follow the songs I can read the words to the music and allowing those words sink into my heart was so powerful.  The one song we sang was "Never let Go" it always reminds me that God is right with me and that through challenging days and moments he is there as my comfort and to lean on him.  I often struggle with fear of acceptance and insecurities and the uncertain of my future and have to remind myself event though yes I have a disability and there are some things that I cannot do, I rather look at it more in what "I CAN DO."  My appearance on the outside does not reflect my heart on the inside.  It is hard for me coming to terms in using a cane and support for walking but at least I can learn other ways to manage.  THis is an ongoing struggle for me, but God accepts me for who I am in him.  Having my pastors come yesterday was another blessing and encouragement to me and taking the time to pray with me through this time period.   Before the countdown was for the surgery now it is the activation.  April 13th will be here before I know it and yes they will test my other ear for getting a CI in that one too.  One moment, one step at a time.  28 days to activation :)

Creativity with markers on my ear

Creative with Hair duos

Update day 6

I am still remaining upbeat and looking forward to get back to running and biking again.  I hope to get outside a little today :)  I am slowly trying exercises with my neck and legs to lessen the stiffness and to see if it helps with the dizziness.  My pain is still there but is a little better.  I may consider PT for the dizziness to help as that has not improved much, but trying to move around despite it. 
I have to admit I been going through some emotions in missing my mom and wishing she was here with me, so that has been very hard.  Some moments are harder than others but know that God is with me through this time.
I have a month til activation and so looking forward to hearing things and just having that gift will be incredible.  I am thankful for the visitors and had my grandparents come in yesterday it was a joy laughting with them and talking. 
the quote that I am reminded of is "Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning  to dance in the rain."  Even though times may be stormy and bleak I am learning to dance through this season.